Hello. Ako si Nameless. Yun ang tawag sakin ng karamihan. Hindi kasi ako pinabinyagan ng mga magulang ko.
Minsan tinanong ko ang aking tatay. "tay, bakit wala akong pangalan?" Sagot nya, "kasi anak, binibigyan kita ng kalayaan para makapagpili ng pangalan mo."
Ngayong malaki na ako, narealize ko na lashengero pala tatay ko nun at mahilig sa sugal. Yung pambinyag ko sana, naubos nya sa alak at sugal. Kaya ito ako now. I'm me not you. Where na you? Dito na me.
I'm Nameless!
p.s. nagpabinyag na ako. ako na si Firstnameless Surnameless
syet nonsense.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Suicide
i'm lost in this pandemonium, trapped in this bottomless pit. i gazed at the abyss, wandered. i'm in this never ending circle. i walked forward, straight forward..
i'm exhausted...
i sat...
waited... thirst and hunger creeping up but i try not to think about it...
with this deafening silence... in this pitch black chasm... i remembered my life, passing...
sigh...
then i noticed something... a speck of light... how could i not notice this earlier?
i stood up... walked.. towards the light..
odd, as i drew nearer, i see another speck of light.. maybe this one's further, a guide perhaps?
i continued my walk..
i stopped, two flames are there, side by side, the other dimmer.. i walked..
towards the brighter light... as i was an inch away, the light blinding me, i saw the dimmer light changed form.. something beautiful was coming out, almost like it was like a cocoon.. this dim flame, it hides beneath it an angel... but it's too late, the brighter flame has consumed my eyes and i can no longer see the beauty of what has come out of that dim flame.. and i fell.. back to the abyss, back to hell.. the light was no longer there..
i sat..
waiting.. hungry and thirsty.. i closed my eyes.. hoping to fall into an eternal slumber... without dreams or nightmares.. away from this harsh reality...
i'm exhausted...
i sat...
waited... thirst and hunger creeping up but i try not to think about it...
with this deafening silence... in this pitch black chasm... i remembered my life, passing...
sigh...
then i noticed something... a speck of light... how could i not notice this earlier?
i stood up... walked.. towards the light..
odd, as i drew nearer, i see another speck of light.. maybe this one's further, a guide perhaps?
i continued my walk..
i stopped, two flames are there, side by side, the other dimmer.. i walked..
towards the brighter light... as i was an inch away, the light blinding me, i saw the dimmer light changed form.. something beautiful was coming out, almost like it was like a cocoon.. this dim flame, it hides beneath it an angel... but it's too late, the brighter flame has consumed my eyes and i can no longer see the beauty of what has come out of that dim flame.. and i fell.. back to the abyss, back to hell.. the light was no longer there..
i sat..
waiting.. hungry and thirsty.. i closed my eyes.. hoping to fall into an eternal slumber... without dreams or nightmares.. away from this harsh reality...
Facts
It's now 22 years and 3 months that I have inhabited this planet.
It was nine months before that that ... < this part was deleted for censorship reasons.
It's now 3 years, 3 days and 14 hours and I'm still in love.
It has been 5 months and 1 day since I've started working.
I have been trapped in this small cubicle for 57 minutes today now.
I have pondered a thousand times about my future.
I have drank approximately a gallon of pulpy orange juice since this morning.
I have drank a Starbucks coffee only twice in my lifetime.
I have watched Kung Fu Panda for the fourth time.
I cursed GMA for the hundredth time.
I finished this line after the 10th try.
1/4 of everything I say are lies. 10% of them are white lies.
I pissed and didn't flush the toilet for the million"th" time.
I kicked the 22nd stray cat that I saw.
It is my first time to give an empty cup to a kid begging for my drink.
This is the umteenth time that a gay man (accepted vernacular) freakishly looked at me. Creeps me out.
I never saw a gay movie. (Holding Trevor, Brokeback Mountain, Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo)
It was nine months before that that ... < this part was deleted for censorship reasons.
It's now 3 years, 3 days and 14 hours and I'm still in love.
It has been 5 months and 1 day since I've started working.
I have been trapped in this small cubicle for 57 minutes today now.
I have pondered a thousand times about my future.
I have drank approximately a gallon of pulpy orange juice since this morning.
I have drank a Starbucks coffee only twice in my lifetime.
I have watched Kung Fu Panda for the fourth time.
I cursed GMA for the hundredth time.
I finished this line after the 10th try.
1/4 of everything I say are lies. 10% of them are white lies.
I pissed and didn't flush the toilet for the million"th" time.
I kicked the 22nd stray cat that I saw.
It is my first time to give an empty cup to a kid begging for my drink.
This is the umteenth time that a gay man (accepted vernacular) freakishly looked at me. Creeps me out.
I never saw a gay movie. (Holding Trevor, Brokeback Mountain, Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo)
Buhangin
Maliwanag.
Mainit.
Sinubukan kong tumingin sa araw.
Ako'y nasilaw.
Nandilim ang aking paningin.
Ako'y nabulag.
Tahimik ang paligid.
Ako'y nabingi.
Walang makausap.
Panis na ang laway.
Muntik kong malunok.
Ako'y nasuka.
Uhaw.
Gutom.
Buto't balat.
Gumagapang.
Isang bulaklak.
Aking binunot.
Aking kinain.
Ako'y natinik.
Mainit.
Sinubukan kong tumingin sa araw.
Ako'y nasilaw.
Nandilim ang aking paningin.
Ako'y nabulag.
Tahimik ang paligid.
Ako'y nabingi.
Walang makausap.
Panis na ang laway.
Muntik kong malunok.
Ako'y nasuka.
Uhaw.
Gutom.
Buto't balat.
Gumagapang.
Isang bulaklak.
Aking binunot.
Aking kinain.
Ako'y natinik.
Identity
I once went to a doctor but he, too, has a disease.
I wanted to laugh but the comedian was sad.
I asked a photographer for his picture,
but he does not have one.
I once dined with the devil but before we ate, we prayed.
I wanted to fly with angels but their wings were gone.
I wanted to be myself
but I cannot find me.
I wanted to laugh but the comedian was sad.
I asked a photographer for his picture,
but he does not have one.
I once dined with the devil but before we ate, we prayed.
I wanted to fly with angels but their wings were gone.
I wanted to be myself
but I cannot find me.
Hunger
I woke up this afternoon, barely able to sit up. I looked at my hands, they are trembling. I tried to stand up but ended up falling face first to the floor. My legs are weak. I remembered, I still haven't eaten since yesterday morning. I have been so busy that I forgot to eat.
I slowly crawled to to the table. Using the chair as a support, I propped myself up. Still clutching to the chair, I turned to switch on the light. My room is a mess. Thrashed. Then the stench slowly crept up my nose. I almost puked. I had to hold on to the wall. Slowly walking to the bathroom. I need to eat.
I freshened up, got my wallet and fixed my hair. I am able to stand up now. I need to get to the small carinderia. I ordered one cup of rice, one fried fish and a vegetable dish. The place smelled awful, flies were everywhere. There was a dog tied next to my table, it kept barking. The owner of the store, a fat lady, just emerged from the c.r. still wearing her kitchen gloves and her apron, which has stains all over it.
Someone called her and they talked beside me. She was laughing now, showing off the depths of her throat to the whole world, saliva spewing all over my supper, the dog licking her hands, I mean her gloves.
I didn't finish my meal. I felt sick now. My hands are still trembling as I put down the spoon. I went directly to the mini grocery store. I bought some crackers and a bottle of water. I went next to the pharmacy. but before I got there, I vomited. I bought some painkillers, some multivitamins and energy drinks.
As I went back to my flat, everything seems so blurry. Everything was moving fast. The noise was deafening. Little kids begging me for my drink. Old women begging me for money.
It's nighttime now. I still haven't got back to my place. I decided to change route. I passed a very dark street. I noticed the street light bulbs were deliberately broken. Somebody removed the protective covering and broke all the light bulbs. There was a shady man following me, I walked faster, must be adrenalin, but was blocked by another. The man following me caught up. They both smell like liquor. I was held up at gunpoint the other had a sharp object with him. I had to give them everything, even my shoes.
I had to walk back to my place on barefoot. Penniless. Thirsty and hungry. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Still having faith.
I crawled back to my bed, as I close my eyes, my chest become heavy. I can't breath. I looked at my hands, it's bleeding. My belly is bleeding. I removed my shirt, a tiny little hole was there. It's just the size of the ice pick that one of the men who ganged up on me was holding.
Everything seems so dark now. The silence is deafening. Everything is ok now.
I'm ok now.
I slowly crawled to to the table. Using the chair as a support, I propped myself up. Still clutching to the chair, I turned to switch on the light. My room is a mess. Thrashed. Then the stench slowly crept up my nose. I almost puked. I had to hold on to the wall. Slowly walking to the bathroom. I need to eat.
I freshened up, got my wallet and fixed my hair. I am able to stand up now. I need to get to the small carinderia. I ordered one cup of rice, one fried fish and a vegetable dish. The place smelled awful, flies were everywhere. There was a dog tied next to my table, it kept barking. The owner of the store, a fat lady, just emerged from the c.r. still wearing her kitchen gloves and her apron, which has stains all over it.
Someone called her and they talked beside me. She was laughing now, showing off the depths of her throat to the whole world, saliva spewing all over my supper, the dog licking her hands, I mean her gloves.
I didn't finish my meal. I felt sick now. My hands are still trembling as I put down the spoon. I went directly to the mini grocery store. I bought some crackers and a bottle of water. I went next to the pharmacy. but before I got there, I vomited. I bought some painkillers, some multivitamins and energy drinks.
As I went back to my flat, everything seems so blurry. Everything was moving fast. The noise was deafening. Little kids begging me for my drink. Old women begging me for money.
It's nighttime now. I still haven't got back to my place. I decided to change route. I passed a very dark street. I noticed the street light bulbs were deliberately broken. Somebody removed the protective covering and broke all the light bulbs. There was a shady man following me, I walked faster, must be adrenalin, but was blocked by another. The man following me caught up. They both smell like liquor. I was held up at gunpoint the other had a sharp object with him. I had to give them everything, even my shoes.
I had to walk back to my place on barefoot. Penniless. Thirsty and hungry. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Still having faith.
I crawled back to my bed, as I close my eyes, my chest become heavy. I can't breath. I looked at my hands, it's bleeding. My belly is bleeding. I removed my shirt, a tiny little hole was there. It's just the size of the ice pick that one of the men who ganged up on me was holding.
Everything seems so dark now. The silence is deafening. Everything is ok now.
I'm ok now.
Devil's Wrath
Fountain of doom
Undo every right
Children of darkness
Kill with delight
Yield my command
Open the gates of hell
Unleash the dark forces
Build my army!!
Intensify my power
Torment every soul
Chaos to humanity and
Hatred to all!!!
Death of My Mistress
Mistress of mine
Open the door
Tell me…
Have you forgiven me?
Enlighten me
Remove my fear
Fear of your death
Unrest at night
Clear my thoughts
Kill the sadness
Eliza
Rest in peace
What?
Aw! Aw!
Sabi ng aso
Ssssssssssssssssssh
Huni ng ahas
Order!! sigaw ng tao
Lumingon ang waiter..
E, ano?!
A Happy Feeling
This is a familiar street. I always pass here when going to work. Adorned with a very high wall for the very exclusive subdivision that lay on the other side and empty houses and unfinished buildings. I guess their owners never come home. Lately, I have had trouble getting sleep. It seems that it was due to the insurmountable stress at work. Especially now, with the upcoming promotion that my boss is going to announce. A promotion that would skyrocket one's career. He was going to make one of us his partner. He already announced last week that there are two candidates. Me and Ryan, the rich kid from Dasma Village, coming to work on his Audi S8 wearing his crisp, ironed out, expensive suit. He is after all, an Atenista, he took his MBA at UP and doctorate at some high-end school in the states. I forgot the name of that university, it started with a H. He's always been a jerk with our other co-workers. He would make the janitor clean up again by purposefully spilling his Starbucks coffee on the floor just when the janitor has finished. I always wanted to stick a shoe up his ass but I try to restrain myself from making the thought a reality.
Back on the street, I saw again this odd old guy. Still lying in cartons, his company - a pair of trashcans and an electric post. His tattered clothes are dirty, stained with urine, blood, smog and sperm. I always take time to observe this guy. I don't know. It seems that somehow, looking at this poor bastard makes me happy. I know, because I'm luckier than him.
This guy, is so unbelievably thin. He's almost like a skeleton slash zombie from those cheap horror films. His belly bloated, his arms and legs too weak to make him stand. As always, he was talking to himself, scratching his crotch, flies hovering above him like vultures waiting to swoop down when his time comes. He was holding this burger that some passerby must have given him, and what's on his other hand surprised me the most. A paper bag. A paper bag to disguise the liquor inside that he was drinking. I always wondered where that stench of liquor came from. As he was drinking his alcohol, I felt as if I saw the demon in him. Everything became blurry and slow motioned. I can hear his throat chugging the damned spirit! I can hear the flies every flap of its wings. Stop! I have to breathe.
Then, like adrenaline and Ecstasy combined, I felt this peculiar feeling. I felt excited. What I will do next will change everything. I just noticed, there are no surveillance cameras around this street, the other side covered with high walls, the other with empty spaces. There are no people passing this street at this time. I thought, I could kill this man without anybody knowing, without anybody caring. I would kill this man to relieve my stress and anxiety and to think of it, I'm doing this world good service of ridding it with one of the filthy parasites. I had with me a bottle of champagne and a glass in case I needed to celebrate tonight.
It's already dark now and all the streetlights are broken. I approached the guy and offered him to drink with me, which he gladly agreed upon. After a few glasses, he was already too drunk. He must've been drinking the whole day. When he fell asleep, I got one of his plastic bags and covered his face with it. He awoke in shock, resisted a bit, fought with all the strength he could muster but he was already too weak. Then his hand clutching my collar fell down. His eyes were still open as I removed the plastic from his face. His mouth open and saliva pouring on each side. Poor bastard, he pissed himself.
I left him there. I freshened up, sprayed a lot of perfume and proceeded my walk to work. Only this time, I have a big smile on my face.
Back on the street, I saw again this odd old guy. Still lying in cartons, his company - a pair of trashcans and an electric post. His tattered clothes are dirty, stained with urine, blood, smog and sperm. I always take time to observe this guy. I don't know. It seems that somehow, looking at this poor bastard makes me happy. I know, because I'm luckier than him.
This guy, is so unbelievably thin. He's almost like a skeleton slash zombie from those cheap horror films. His belly bloated, his arms and legs too weak to make him stand. As always, he was talking to himself, scratching his crotch, flies hovering above him like vultures waiting to swoop down when his time comes. He was holding this burger that some passerby must have given him, and what's on his other hand surprised me the most. A paper bag. A paper bag to disguise the liquor inside that he was drinking. I always wondered where that stench of liquor came from. As he was drinking his alcohol, I felt as if I saw the demon in him. Everything became blurry and slow motioned. I can hear his throat chugging the damned spirit! I can hear the flies every flap of its wings. Stop! I have to breathe.
Then, like adrenaline and Ecstasy combined, I felt this peculiar feeling. I felt excited. What I will do next will change everything. I just noticed, there are no surveillance cameras around this street, the other side covered with high walls, the other with empty spaces. There are no people passing this street at this time. I thought, I could kill this man without anybody knowing, without anybody caring. I would kill this man to relieve my stress and anxiety and to think of it, I'm doing this world good service of ridding it with one of the filthy parasites. I had with me a bottle of champagne and a glass in case I needed to celebrate tonight.
It's already dark now and all the streetlights are broken. I approached the guy and offered him to drink with me, which he gladly agreed upon. After a few glasses, he was already too drunk. He must've been drinking the whole day. When he fell asleep, I got one of his plastic bags and covered his face with it. He awoke in shock, resisted a bit, fought with all the strength he could muster but he was already too weak. Then his hand clutching my collar fell down. His eyes were still open as I removed the plastic from his face. His mouth open and saliva pouring on each side. Poor bastard, he pissed himself.
I left him there. I freshened up, sprayed a lot of perfume and proceeded my walk to work. Only this time, I have a big smile on my face.
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